Remembering My Uncle Tolen

 My Uncle Tolen passed away over the weekend. He was one of the most caring, loving, and loyal individuals I’ve ever known. A civil engineer, he was also an accomplished classical guitarist. I know he, my mom, and my Aunt Chela are together again, sitting at God’s dinner table, and laughing up a storm. 

When I was in high school, we visited my grandmother, Nane, in Monterrey. I remember walking into her apartment and seeing a photograph of her and me … at least I thought it was me. I told her I didn’t remember posing for the photo, and she explained it was my uncle at age 8 or 9. The resemblance was remarkable. 

Tolen, your family and friends will miss you fiercely. We will grieve, and eventually move on. But you will always be in our hearts and minds, forever. Rest In Peace. 

A Nation Grieves

 

I Am Enough

 

Forgiveness?

 

Betrayal

 Relationships are difficult, even during the best of times. The key is communication. If one partner is kept in the dark, how can you expect there to be trust? You can’t. And if you don’t have trust, the relationship is doomed. It doesn’t matter how you try to justify it or sugarcoat it … a lie of omission is still a lie.

 I now realize that I was never a priority for you, and that makes me unbelievably sad. I’m so sorry that you felt you couldn't tell me the real reason for your trip. I’m sorry that I allowed myself to be deluded into believing you felt for me what I felt for you. I'm sorry for not believing you when you kept telling me you were not a good person. But most of all, I’m sorry that I allowed you to hurt me. You knew my history, why I have trust issues, and yet you chose to lie to me anyway. How could you?

 The saddest ... no, most pathetic ... thing is this - I would have continued being oblivious to your true feelings if this hadn't all happened. I watched you physically recoil from my touch, and thought, "Oh, he's just not ready." You never once initiated physical contact - unless you were impaired. And you always pulled away after only a moment or two, even when we were alone and in private. As someone who craves physical contact, I never understood why until now.

 I was not what you wanted. 

 I wish I could say that I wish you well, but honestly, I hope this keeps you up at night. You destroyed something that could have been beautiful. I would have promised to always choose you. It's a shame that you didn't choose me. Do I forgive what you've done? Yes. Do I understand why you did it? No. Will I ever forget the pain and hurt you've caused me? Absolutely not. 

Betrayal Sucks

 Betrayal sucks! Whether it's perceived betrayal or bonafide confirmed betrayal. It sucks. And once you've been betrayed, you find it extremely difficult to trust ever again.

More to come on this in a future post. For right now, I need to breathe.